Bidet Symbols Standardized
In a daring move fake journalists are calling "the single most important thing humanity will ever do," the Japanese toilet industry standardized symbols for bidet operation. The 規範 Standard was created to help alleviate confusion visitors from countries less cultured in bathroom etiquette feel when interacting with Japanese toilets. The agreement standardizes on eight unambiguous symbols to describe the features found on the majority of Tokyo toilets.
President Donald Trump commented that, "This is what I meant when I said to 'Make America Great Again.' Believe me, this deal with China will bring a tremendous amount of jobs." There might have been confusion over basic understanding of geography, but experts can't deny this will usher in a new era of bathroom joy in America.
While our readers are generally quite cultured and most likely know all this information, we thought it would be informative to cover the meanings individually.
Regular Squat
This positions the toilet lid into beginner mode, with the seat back at a precise \(\frac{4}{9}\pi\) angle. This might seem odd to an American, as we have been trained to sit at a 90° angle. Worry not, dear reader! With a little bit of practice, you can learn to appreciate the pristine positioning of the Regular Squat.
Expert Squat
The lid is positioned into expert mode, with the lower incomplete circle hovering at a jaunty angle above the porcelain. This requires slightly more acrobatics than you might be comfortable with, so make sure you ease into your training for this position. Mistakes can range from the minor inconvenience of falling into the toilet to horrors so unspeakable even this vague reference to them will make it difficult for me to sleep tonight. Why would anyone bother with this? In this position, the muscles in your bowels can be in the ideal alignment for doing the #2. Once you achieve mastery, you will wonder how you ever pooped the old way. It's basically like when you learn to ski via the french fry method.
Summon Poseidon
Hitting this button will summon the God of the Sea, Poseidon. Make sure you aren't sitting down when you hit this or you'll be in for quite a surprise! Tridents can be quite painful and expensive to dislodge. If you do end up with a trident in your posterior, the U.S. Department of State advises you to get the removal procedure performed in Japan, where their National Health Insurance Plan (or "国民健康保険," as the locals say) will cover 70% of the procedure. The Federal Aviation Administration in association with the Transportation Security Administration further remind you that while tridents are not explicitly banned, invoking the wrath of Poseidon as he attempts to repossess his weapon violates the 3 ounces or less policy on liquids.
Create the Ideal Surfing Wave
If you're like me, you always want to exit a bathroom stall in style. In Japan, the advanced bidet technology makes this easy. After completing your business, grab your surfboard and toggle the ultimate wave to ride out on. Surf's up any time of the day!
Eye Wash
When working with hazardous materials, it is important to have an accessible eye-washing station. Conveniently enough, advanced bidets can easily function as an eye cleaner! This can be dangerous, so this button doubles as a warning: If you spend too long washing your eyes, your pupils and irises will rinse away as well. Pupil reattachment is another expensive surgery, but if you pay me $5, I can use a Sharpie and the result will be almost as good as having a real doctor.
Going Up
As anyone who has been in an elevator can attest, they are a claustrophobic nightmare with an extremely low survival rate. For those unwilling to risk almost-certain death by riding in an elevator, bidets provide a convenient mechanism for using water propulsion for vertical travel. Vertical distance capability can be hard to judge. Cheap bidets might only propel you one floor, while advanced bidets can move up to 5 floors at a time! In high-class establishments, Dirigible Utility Metacarpal Blasters are provided to allow for a limited form of self-directed in-flight maneuverability.
Pancake Delivery
Defecation can be a high-intensity activity. It is important to replenish vital nutrients and carbohydrates, lest you pass out. This button delivers 3 steaming hot gluten-free pancakes directly into your lap, often causing third degree burns which require hospitalization. Despite the obvious design flaw, this frequently ends in a protracted legal battle in which your case will be held as the epitome of frivolous lawsuits by uninformed sheep intent on believing a preconceived narrative spoon-fed to them by major corporatations of an increasingly litigious society despite the fact that the number of tort trials is decreasing.
End it All
It is a stressful world. The human mind is ill-fit to deal with the complexities of modern life. We are all wasting our efforts, struggling in an uncaring universe. This button provides a convenient mechanism for self euthanization. A spike driven through your spinal column will cause instant death and your remains will be blended and disposed of in the very toilet you are sitting on, leaving loved ones to wonder what exactly happened to you.
