Let's face it America: The candidates for president of the 2020 election are pretty disappointing. Only one of them seems to begin to touch on the issues that matter to the common American, but his chances of winning are somewhat slim.
I am officially announcing my candidacy for the President of the United States of America.
As your president, I promise to tackle the issues that matter most to you, the American citizen. But what are those issues? Let me tell you about the official positions of the Bidet Party.
Toilet Paper will be Outlawed
All Americans will receive a bidet and France will pay for it!
After the massive shortage of toilet paper in March, there has been much fear as to how to keep other common household supplies like paper towels in stock. We ask a different question: Who wants to keep using toilet paper, anyway?
As a nation, we have a moral obligation to provide the best-quality cleaning to our citizens.
Who will pay for it? FRANCE! Why France? I have no idea. I think they invented the bidet or something. Why would they pay for it? I don't know. If Donald Trump can campaign on Mexico paying for his wall, I figure I'm free to make shit up, too.
Immediate Conversion to the Metric System
The imperial system of units is stupid as hell and will be outlawed immediately.
There will be a massive undertaking to relabel road signs and every other unit display in the United States of America. The private sector will step up under direct threat of government mandates. This is called "capitalism." I will be the greatest job creator there ever was, with the possible exception of maybe Ronald Reagan, who invented the concept of a job when his wisdom trickled down into a savings and loan crisis. Wait no, that caused a huge spike in unemployment.
To gently encourage those who keep using imperial units after January 21, 2021 to stop, a system of punishments will be put in place. Those using measurements like "feet" will have their feet removed. Those using "acre" will be made to ache everywhere after a thorough beating with roods. Those using "pound" will be pounded. Those using "horsepower" will be trampled by a horse (which generates 15 horsepower on average). Those caught using "quarts" will get a fluid ouch by bleach injection. At least they won't die of COVID-19.
Strict Enforcement of the Left Lane as the Passing Lane
Under my presidency, the left lane will strictly be for vehicles actively passing.
There are a lot of negative feelings towards police officers at the moment. Democrats want sweeping reform of a body that has lost vision on what it means to "protect and serve," while Republicans seem to think the exact opposite. It seems like almost everyone thinks that we should make lynching illegal, though. So that's something.
The nation seems divided on this whole "policing" thing, so let's have the police deal with a persistent problem everyone can agree needs to be solved: the cars that hang out in the leftmost lane. What are they doing there? Where did they learn to drive? Is it really that hard to move over after you pass? Why are they going 10 under, anyway?
There's no reason to scribble our changes in the margins or nibble around the edges of this large, difficult and persistent problem. The moment calls for bold action, and the American people are behind it.
– Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
I agree with Chuck.
While we're at it, we should start thinking about enacting new laws for people who don't move to the right-hand side in any mobility situation. Escalators, those mobile walkway things at the airpoint, sidewalks, etc. Did you know that English people consistently move over to the right side of the escalators, even though they drive on the left side of the road? That doesn't even make sense!
Ban Speed Limits
Since we already have to tear down "miles per hour" signs to replace them with "kilometers per hour," we should just stop halfway through. Nobody likes speed limits, anyway. Banning speed limits will save the taxpayers millions, perhaps even billions, in pointless sign replacement!
Carmakers will tell you that demanding German drivers are why German cars are so good. Their home market is in fact very demanding in terms of quality and performance. That's kind of in a way a proving ground for Daimler, BMW and Audi, and it helped make them successful abroad.
– Jack Ewing, "Faster, Higher, Farther: The Volkswagon Scandal"
This proposal will also help the automotive industry in the United States. Q.E.D. I'm so good at jobs, which is definitely the responsibility of the government.
Daylight Time Always
No more switching between "standard time" and "daylight time."
As much as I would like to eliminate timezones entirely and switch the world over to UTC, this is unrealistic. Instead, my administration will eliminate the switching between "Standard Time," which is the time zone most states use in the winter months, and "Daylight Time," which is the time zone most states use in the summer months. The switch between these two time zones is annoying and harmful. There is a 6% rise in fatal car crashes the week after the time change. This is an issue which is hurting America.
So the question is: What should be the time we choose? We have the option to pick always standard or always daylight time.
Daylight Savings Time of 2020 runs from March 8 to November 1 – 7 months and 24 days. There is more time spent in "Daylight Time" than "Standard Time." The choice is obvious – always Daylight Time. My first act will be to rename "Standard Time" to "Substandard Time," because having the sun rise and set earlier is decidedly worse. The 2005 Energy Policy Act made great strides on this subject by extending Daylight Time by four weeks, starting in 2007. On 2021 March 14, we will have a great spring forward for the final time and never fall back again.
24 Hour Clocks
Under my administration, the day will begin at 0:00:00 and end one second after 23:59:59.
Ask any American what "AM" and "PM" stand for and 99% of them will not have a clue. They are abbreviations from the Latin "ante meridiem" and "post meridiem," which mean before and after midday, respectively. But since we've switched to daylight time year-round, noon will no longer correspond with the time the sun reaches the celestial meridian, so "AM" and "PM" will be meaningless.
And what's with this whole thing about 12 being the lowest number for the purposes of ordering? Is 12 AM midday or midnight? And 12:59 AM being 1 minute before 1:00 AM? That's just dumb. 12 is larger than 1. Everyone knows that.
End the Bazel Project
The Bazel project is a dangerous cult.
Bazel makes it extremely difficult to interact with any project as an upstream dependency. Furthermore, it makes it difficult to create projects which are reusable by other downstream systems which are not using Bazel. This control of contact is extremely cult-like and dangerous to open-source software as a whole, where interoperability between tools is the key to success.
Instead of encouraging an open system of unopinionated, interoperable systems, Bazel demands that your project join it. It promises that the benefits of Bazel will only increase as more projects join. This is similar to a pyramid scheme. Like all pyramid schemes, it is best if you get out early.
My administration will formally classify Bazel as a cult. I will instruct the CDC to conduct research to counteract Bazel brainwashing and mind-control. We will enact social services to assist with exit-counseling and deprogramming for those leaving the cult of Bazel.
Ban the Electoral College and Enact Ranked Choice Voting
Replace the antiquated system of first-past-the-post and electoral college with a ranked-choice system.
Every single argument for keeping the outmoded system of appointing the president called the "Electoral College" is bad and does not apply to modern society. If you think you have a good argument for keeping the Electoral College around, you should think about that argument more and realize that you're wrong. Areas of land with divisions drawn based on arbitrary historical reasons don't vote, people do. I tried to declare myself as a state under Article IV, Section 3, Clause 1 of the Consitution, but my letters to Congress have gone completely ignored. The two times in my life that a president won the Electoral College vote while losing the popular vote are also the two of the three worst presidents of my life (Ronald Reagan beats George W. Bush for the #2 spot, but I was only alive for a few months of his presidency).
This asshole basically created al-Qaeda when his administration armed and trained the Mujahideen rebels in Afghanistan. Remember back in the 1980s when the CIA was helping set up guerrilla camps to fight a proxy war with the Soviet Union? I don't. I wasn't alive. But that was Reagan. Then George H. W. Bush kept them going. And the Democrats are the ones "weak on terrorism?" Under the Reagan Administration, the federal debt tripled. And the Democrats are the ones who want big government? Then he "borrowed" billions from the Social Security trust to fund those deficits. And the Republican Party wants to be more like Reagan? What does that mean? They want to ignore a public health problem so that it escalates to epidemic proportions? Ronald Reagan was horrible and I cannot fathom why people like him.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, voting.
The current system of voting in America creates the two-party system, which has naturally lead to the extremely polarize political climate. Duverger's Law holds that plurality-rule elections structured within single-member districts favor a two-party system. What? Let this guy and his numerous clones explain it to you.
After my administration, voters of the United States of America will never again have to choose between the lesser of two evils. We will replace the first-past-the-post system with some alternative, which will probably be something like instant-runoff voting. I do not have a strong preference as to which, because almost every choice will be a substantial improvement over the current system. The approval rate of Congress is 21%. What have we got to lose?
After I have accomplished my campaign promises, I will step down from the presidency.
As I can't think of anything else that would matter to me and I have no interest in political power, I intend to relinquish my role as the president after delivering on my promises. Since none of these things seem altogether difficult, this makes the question of who will be your leader for the remaining three years of my term very important. Who should be my vice president?